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No Episode This Week

Canine Hills has been postponed for this week as we have had our minds on other things.

Rest assured we will be back next week.

Lisa, James, Jacky and Paul.


In Memory of Rosco

This week's episode is dedicated to the memory of our dear friend Rosco, who went to Rainbow Bridge last night. He was a very brave little man, and we will miss him very much.

We are thinking of his mum, Thalia, at this very difficult time.

God bless, Rosco.

Episode 14

James writes his stories several weeks in advance, and had included our dear friend Rosco in this week's story. I am glad to say that Thalia loves the idea of Rosco continuing to play a part in Canine Hills. Paul

Albert hoped there was good batteries in the net, because he has been standing in one place listening to it humming for a week, and his paws were aching. Just then a little time machine zipped past him, so off Albert went again chasing after it, the little machine flew out of the football stadium into the street, and Albert panted after it, and he barged past Barney Tatlock who grumbled “Kids haven’t got no respect today - during the war ………”

Albert didn’t have time to listen to Barney moaning and shouted “Sorry!” as he ran up the street, Albert managed to get close to the time machine so he held his net aloft and the little time machine shuddered to a halt and then flew backwards in to the net, then it was stuck fast to the back of the net. Albert puffed “One down one to go”

So he put his paw over the net just incase the little machine escaped, then he noticed something glinting in the sun, so he went to investigate, and he see that it was the other little time machine that was by the café, then Sascha came out of the café and the little machine flew inside, Albert thought to himself “Oh no how am I going catch this one - what if someone eats it“, he said “Hi” to Sascha, who replied “Hello and goodbye” as Albert zoomed into the café”

Bally and Jack were behind the counter and quickly hid their design for their carnival float, Bally said “Albert - what are you doing with that net in here?” Jack added “Be careful you may break something waving it about” Albert replied “If I told you - you wouldn’t believe me” Then he noticed the little machine was hovering above Jack and Bally’s heads, Albert got closer held his net up and Bally asked “What on earth are you doing?” The other machine stopped dead in midair then wobbled a bit and flew backwards into the net, Albert heaved a sigh of relief and thought to himself “How am I going get out of this one” the he said “I like your design for your float” Bally said “What design? What float” pushing the design further under the counter, Albert said “Gotta go - bye”

Albert ran home as fast as his legs would carry him, dashed to Bonnies lab, switched the computers on, then said out loud, “When I turn this net off these machines will escape and buzz around this lab - it took me long enough to catch them” Then he noticed words appearing on the computer - but he wasn’t typing - they read HELLO MY LITTLE ALBERT EINSTEIN, IT IS GRANNY BON BON HERE. Albert called “Granny Bon Bon you are here to help me” more words appeared on the screen they read “GO TO THE SECOND COMPUTER AND PRESS THE BUTTON F8, THAT WILL OPEN THE COMMUNICATION LINES BETWEEN YOU AND THE MACHINES. Albert did this, then he could hear faint voices coming through the computer, another message appeared which read, TELL THE LITTLE DOGS NOT TO BE AFRAID - YOU ARE SENDING THEM HOME TO THEIR OWN TIME AND DIMENSION, ONCE YOU TURN THE TIME VORTEX ON AND THE LIGHT COMES OUT, THEY HAVE TO HIT THEIR FULL SPEED AND GO THROUGH THE MIDDLE OF THE LIGHT.

Albert did what bonnie requested, then a little voice said “Excuse me - who are you?” Albert cleared his throat and said “I am Albert - who are you” a voice came back, “I am Trevor - how do you know about the time vortex?” Albert replied “My Granny Bonnie the Boffin showed me” Trevor replied “Bonnie, we salute Bonnie - we will do what ever you say” So Albert switched the net off, the two machines left the net and hovered around him, another message appeared on the screen NOW ALBERT - YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO, JUST STAY BEHIND THE SHEILD ONCE YOU HAVE PULLED THE LEVER, GOT TO GO NOW - WILL VISIT SOON - LOVE YOU, Albert had a tear in his eye and said “Love you too Granny Bonnie” Albert wiped his eyes and said out loud “Are you guys ready to go home” Albert could faintly hear cheering. So Albert went to the computer pressed control - he went behind the shield and said “Ready” the machines flew to the opposite wall, Albert pulled the lever, a whoosh of light came out, the two machines hit full speed and headed straight for the middle of the beam and then they were gone. Albert thought to himself “I hope they get home ok”

Meanwhile back at the Squeaky Toy Inn, Shadow was waving Bella and Holly off, Foxy was taking them to Dogwick airport - the girls were off on a international brewery course, they have always wanted to run there own bar overseas. Shadow and Levi each wiped a tear away and Levi put a notice up Bar staff required - no experience necessary, training will be given.

Shadow and Levi looked across the street and noticed Rosco was helping Milo, Mackey, Freddie and Baz with their float, Levi called “Hey boys - your floats looking good - what is your theme going to be?” Baz replied “We are doing pirates of penzance” Mackey laughed “Arrr me hearties - come and walk the plank” Levi and Shadow laughed.

Little Poppy walked past the boys with her new beau Jingles, and said jokingly “I don’t have to do a float, my float is done for me” Freddie and Milo said together “oooooooooh - arrrr shiver me timbers” they all laughed.

Coming around the corner was the Lurcher marching band practising their march for the carnival, but Sparkie and Hamish had crept along side with their triangles, the band leader Mr Tiggywig shouted “HALT” But he didn’t shout loud enough and only the front rank heard him - they stopped and the rest didn’t and they all bumped into each other. Mr Tiggywig said “Sparkie and Hamish fantastic job on the triangles - your in” but we really have to get ourselves in some sort of order for next week” All band members nodded, Mr Tiggywig held his baton aloft and shouted “BAND SHUN - BAND READY - BY THE CENTRE - QUICK MARCH” the band started to play and off they marched.

Jenny who was in the cabin came out with Zeea to see what the noise was about, they looked down the street and Jenny said to Zeea “Oh no who invited them - I see they are doing their float” Zeea replied “I hear they are called the 3 witches of Eastwick” Jenny said “I heard a rumour that if they look at you they can turn you into funny looking things” Zeea replied “Lets not take any chances”

Jenny and Zeea both dashed back into the shop, Zeea looked through the stock of sunglasses and chose a real dark pair and said “If I wear these they won’t see my eyes so they can’t turn me into anything” Jenny said “I will have a pair of those as well” Jenny paid for the glasses, put them on but they were so dark she walked into the door, Jenny remarked “These are good glasses” Jenny adjusted her rollers and went home.


Episode 13

“Thank goodness that week’s gone by; I was fed up with Albert laughing like a drain! It’s given me a head ache” sighed Laddie, looking out the window as Buddy and Owen started to set up the goal posts ready for the match. At least he thought that was what they were doing but he could only see the top of their heads as the goal posts wobbled. “Wonder if I can get out of here to watch it”

Buddy puffed his way in to the changing room to check on his team as Owen sneaked off for a crafty half pint as he had conveniently arranged to meet the Ref in the pub.

Sam was pleased to see Owen as he knew he was generous with the refreshments after the match, but it would still be fair play – no matter how many pints there were.

“Right lads, let’s be having you, all got your proper kit this time?” he said looking at Toggle and Button – “you can take those silly pants off and get your proper shorts on”
“And we thought we were helping with those lovely sky blue silk boxers” giggled Toggle “come on Button lets put the proper stuff on”

The door opened and Owen came in “OK lads, match time you all know where you are meant to be playing and Max stay in goal this time – you can’t wander about the field when the other team is trying to shoot at the goal!”

They filed on to the pitch with their opponents beside them, led by Sam the ref and his two linesmen, Gnasher and Fang. Sam tossed the coin and the other team captain called heads and chose to play to the goal nearest the pub, “That’s all right” whispered Dinkie, “that means we’re that way second half so we won’t have so far to go to the pub!” Frankie nodded.

The whistle blew and the match kicked off and the Snapping dogs centre forward kicked the ball to one of his mid-fielders, straight through Toggle’s legs!
Owen screamed at him “You’ve got four legs could you have used on of them?”
“Sorry boss” called Toggle as he set off after the ball, and the team’s supporters groaned.

Oscar managed to tackle a player and kicked the ball skywards where it was headed to the forwards by Dylan Wickes who then carried on forward like a good midfielder should. But Trevor had managed to get himself into an offside position as he tried a shot on goal and Gnasher waved his flag with Sam blowing his whistle.

“No way Ref, I wasn’t off side” Sam went over to Gnasher who told him that he could see more than a bit of daylight between Trevor and the defenders and the rules are the rules! “Sorry Trevor you can’t be that far in front of the defenders and not be offside – free kick to goalie”

They all ran after the ball as the goalie gave a powerful kick which covered three quarters of the pitch and it was only skilful playing by a surprised Button that rescued the ball and headed back up the pitch to crowds delight. But still no goal, they fiercely battled to half time where the score was still nil-nil.

Owen marched into the dressing room and demanded to know why were they playing like a bunch of girls – “let’s see goals he exclaimed”
The second half started and now they were heading towards the pub for their goal in more ways than one!

Having kicked off Trevor headed up the pitch as Dylan shepherded Max back to the goal, suddenly there was a cheer as the substitute Ozzy thinking he was Steven Gerrard charged up the pitch and fired an almighty shot which whizzed past the goalie’s ear and bounced at the back of the net – ONE NIL!!

Owen and Buddy jumped up and down with joy and the team gathered round to pat him.

The match restarted and Dinky saw their forward charging through and grabbed his shirt – “Yellow Card” shouted Sam and as they lined up to take the free kick, the crowd went silent, but Max actually saved the day with a magnificent save just as he’d seen at the World Cup and as the final whistle went a cheer went up they’d won one-nil.

As they wandered round shaking hands Sam called out – “What’s little Albert doing with that little fishing net – it’s not big enough to catch a football!” All the team turned to watch Albert chasing around around with his net, Owen said to Max “What on earth is that boy doing?” Max replied “Dunno boss”

Meanwhile poor Albert had had no luck catching the little time machines and couldn’t understand why, on closer inspection Albert notice a switch, he pressed it and the the net made a humming noise, Albert muttered to himself “Doh – it may help if i switched this thing on” be continued ...........................


Episode 12

Laddy had listened intently at Alberts story as he leaned over to hear more, but a week had passed and poor Laddy was rather stiff and he fell over, he sat there rubbing his backside with his paw, determined not to miss anything, he could hear his two guardian angels Ebony and Minstrel laughing and was sure he could hear Fluffy giggling as well. Lucy saw what happened and dashed over to a blushing Laddy and asked “Are you ok?” Laddy replied “I’m fine but that will smart in the morning” he was still rubbing his poor bruised rear, Laddy continued “I couldn’t help overhearing little Albert, I think I can help to solve the tapping noise” Lucy replied “You mean it could be a a a a ghost” Laddy couldn’t help grinning at Lucys pale face and replied “Sounds as if it could be paranormal, but don’t worry it could be someone trying to get a message to Albert” Lucy said “How many bonios is this going to cost me?” Laddy replied “This one is on me, but you can always buy me a pint at the squeaky toy later” Lucy asked “Shall we go now?”
Laddy replied “What are we waiting for - lead the way please”

On the way to Alberts house - 76 the hills - Laddy had a feeling that someone else had joined them he looked behind him and Fluffy had joined them for the journey - she was having a chat with Ebony and Minstrel. Once they reached Alberts house a nervous Albert was clutching his teddy and muttering “I am not going in my bedroom” Laddy took Alberts paw reassuringly and said “You are going to have to come in the bedroom with me and show me exactly happened” Lucy remarked to Albert “I hope your room is tidy” Albert blushed “I think so” knowing that he hadn’t.

They went upstairs to Alberts room as they got to the door Alberts grip on Laddys paw tightened so much - Laddy was concerned his paw may turn blue. Laddy grimaced at the pain and tried to give Albert a reassuring smile. Then Laddy opened the door. Alberts bedroom was a typical pups room, toys everywhere and out grown collars - there was a single pathway to the bed. Lucy remarked “I thought you had tidied this room” Albert replied “I kept the pathway to my bed clear” Lucy apologised to Laddy about the mess. Laddy said “Don’t worry about it -I have seen worse” Trying to think when he had. Laddy asked his angels and Fluffy if anything else was in the room, Ebony, Minstrel and Fluffy immediately saw who was in the room and zoomed to where the angel was.

Laddy turned to Lucy and Albert and said “I know who your angel is but at the moment I can’t get a word in” Albert was now shaking and his legs were knocking together. Laddy said “Albert please worry no more - your visiting angel is your granny Bonnie” Albert immediately stopped shaking and looked at Laddy with big wide excited eyes and said “My granny Bon-Bon” Laddy replied “It sure is and she wants us to follow her”. Albert replied “Where does she want us to follow her too? And how is she?” Laddy replied Bonnie is fine and happy like a puppy, and she had to pop back to show you something, now we must follow her - she is getting impatient” Albert smiled “That’s my granny Bon-Bon”

The angels led them down stairs, to the cupboard under the stairs, which they had to go in, at the back of the cupboard Laddy moved some boxes and they could see a handle, Lucy remarked “I have never seen that before” Laddy said to Albert “Your granny Bonnie wants you to hold the handle” Albert puts his paw on the handle and does what Laddy says. Laddy continues “Two turns to the left, three turns to the right and open the door” Albert said “Are we going to Narnia?” Laddy frowned at him.

As they opened the door two shutters slid apart, a light thing came forward which looked like a paw. Laddy instructed “Albert put your paw on it - it need to take your paw print” Albert did this and then the paw printer went back, the shutters closed behind them and the wall in front of them slid down, and they couldn’t believe what they saw - it was a massive laboratory, with computers, gizmos, gadgets everywhere.

Laddy swore them all to secrecy that they would never reveal the secret location of Bonnies laboratory, Albert asked “Why does granny Bon-Bon want to show me this?” Laddy explained “The machines that have been buzzing around lately are time machines, they haven’t got enough energy to get back to their own dimension and time, so Bonnie wanted to show you this” Laddy was pointing at a big triangle shaped object which on the back wall of the lab. Albert looked puzzled and asked “What is it?”

Laddy replied “Let me explain - it is a time vortex and how it is powered is some energy from the Bermuda triangle and a watch she confiscated a long time ago, this watch has the power to open the gateway to send the time machines home, now I need to show you how to switch it on - got to that big computer and press control” Albert did this, Laddy continued “Go to the wall to your left and stand behind the shield and flick the switch - Lucy and I will go with you - you will see why”

So Lucy, Albert and Laddy went to the platform behind the shield and Albert flicked the switch, there was a rush of light which came out of the triangle and rushed back into it and the light swirled in the triangle.

Laddy said “Bonnie has told me she wants you to catch the time machines and send them through the time vortex to their own time” Albert asked “How will I catch them?” Laddy listened with a smile to Bonnies reply and said “Bonnie invented a magnetic net - it is only attracted to the metal of the time machines, and the net is hanging on the wall behind us - it is now safe to come out from behind the shield, if we hadn’t of been behind this shield, Bonnie informed me that we would have been dragged in to the vortex”

Albert saw the net on wall and grabbed it, switched off the vortex and they all left the hidden lab, Lucy who was in awe said “No wonder my electric bills were so high - now I know, I didn’t realise how clever auntie Bonnie was” Albert said excitedly “Cor this is something out of star trek” he held the magnetic net to his face and said “Beam me up scotty - I am in trouble down here” ………….


Episode 11

Canine Hills TV is experiencing technical difficulties at the moment, which means that we cannot bring you the video feed. We are doing what we can to sort these problems out, but this might take a while cos our chief cameradog is a bit tied up.

In the mean time, we are continuing with Episode 11 in sound and stills only.


“Thank goodness this episode has started, maybe those little buzzing machines will stop bugging us, no-one knows where they came from, or why they are here, it has been two weeks know, but they were edited out of previous episodes, that is why I cover my drinks, I don’t want to swallow one” grumbled Barney, covering his tankard. Jack agreed and said “I know what you mean, we even tried fly paper in the café, but they don’t stick to it” Jenny straighten her rollers and removed from her pocket a fly swatter and swish went the swatter “Damn - I missed it” muttered Jenny, Bally said “These little machines - what do they want - are they something to do with the phantom knicker nicker, are they spying on us to see who has the best knickers?” Molly Dingle shuddered and replied “Ooooh don’t say that - you will be saying next that the machines have x-ray and can see what undies we are wearing now” Ellie immediately put her handbag on her lap and said “No-one will see my frillies” Everyone laughed.

Zeea said “Don’t be silly - I managed to catch one, I looked inside and there was a tiny little dog in there - we put the machine on the bar and the little dog left his machine and was squeaking at us - we couldn’t understand what he was saying, so Holly grabbed a babel fish translator, the little dog was terrified and ran back to his machine and flew off”

Everyone listened with interest and Billy-b banged his gavel on the bar and shouted “Order order” as a little machine buzzed past his ear, “Can we get back to the meeting - what are we to do about the phantom knicker nicker?” Little Mo replied “I thought Mata Hari was on the case” Jenny twiddled her rollers nervously, Billy replied “Ok we try to assist Mata Hari best we can - providing we see her again - anyway we have been stuck in the pub for a week now - meeting adjourned”

Billy-b banged his gavel and everyone got up to leave and as they went outside Little Poppy was there dressed in her Miss Canine Hills 2008 sash handing out leaflets, Pippa took one and it read TONEYS EXTRAVAGANZA DAY, coming soon, there will be a carnival, so start work on your floats, so pick up your entry forms for this and for Canine Hills has got talent, prize is 1000 bonios, also Canine Hills beauty pageant, half of all proceeds to the old solider DT club.

Everyone was discussing what they could do, Bally said to Jack “How about a 1950s café float?” “Good idea” replied Jack. Shadow whispered to Bella and Holly “We could do a merdog float” Bella and Holly laughed. Michaela asked “Poppy - where do we get the entry forms?” Poppy replied “They will be printed in the Hills Gazette in the next couple of weeks, there will be a box to tick for the float, talent or pageant, you can enter as many as you like”

Owen said in a loud voice “Don’t forget we have a football match next week - a very important match - the qualifier for the DSF cup, against a tough team - the snappy dogs, I hope everyone attends, I have something else to tell you, as seargant Max is tied up with the knicker nicker case, he wanted me to introduce our new village PC - he will be overseeing the match - to keep you lot under control hee hee, so lets give him a special Canine Hills welcome - introducing PC Biggie Owen” everyone clapped and cheered as Pc Biggie made his way nervously to the front of the crowd, Lucy Brown nudged Tigs Battersby and Tara Butcher and said “Cor ain’t he handsome” Tigs and Tara agreed and began swooning. Hearing this Paco chirped up “I thought I was the only one to make you girls swoon hehe, I know what my talent could be, you put on some music and I take all my clothes off hehe” Tara blushed and fanning her self swooned “Is that a promise” they all laughed.

Everyone welcomed Pc Biggie who said “Lovely to meet you all, if you have any information regarding the knicker nicker, let me know and I will pass it on to Max.

Then Little Albert came running up panting “Auntie Lucy - I must speak to you” Lucy replied “What is the matter Albert?” Albert replied “When I try and sleep I keep hearing knocking noises, and last night I was playing my music I was singing to my favourite song, knock three times on the ceiling if you want me - twice on the pipe if the answer is no, well it did knock on the ceiling three times - oh Auntie Lucy I scared I am never going in my bedroom again”

Laddy who was standing behind Lucy listened with interest as did his guardian angels Ebony and Minstrel.

Canine Hills TV is now closing down for the day. Thank you for watching.